A story in the news recently describes a confrontation at Marcy’s Diner in Portland, Maine between an irate owner and the parents of a two year old who had purportedly been crying for 40 minutes. We read the owner Darla Neugebauer “slammed both hands on the counter and then pointed at the child and said ‘this has got to stop! Oh and then the mother screamed at me because I was yelling at her child.’ ”
After Jen and Jack Wolkon posted a complaint on the diner’s Facebook page, a “social media firestorm” erupted with more than two-and-a-half million people commenting on the couple’s post. As can be imagined, sides were drawn with many decrying the sense of modern entitlement showed by the negligent parents and others horrified by the insensitivity of the owner.
As I got past the titillation of another media-fueled imbroglio, I started thinking about Darla and the decision she made about confronting the parents. Why did she wait 40 minutes and why did she finally decide to act? For that matter, what is behind any of our decisions to bring up a sensitive matter or leave it alone?
Relationships are complex but certainly have to do with communication and decisions about when, where and how to communicate. Some of these decisions are straightforward; others, especially those involving challenging emotions--aren’t. It’s relatively easy to tell your spouse they have a smudge on their collar--much harder to bring up a simmering slight from last week.
Is there a perfect time to bring up imperfect stuff? Hardly. Part of it is the variables involved: personalities, timing, what is discussed etc. And part of it for me is imperfectly navigating through the voices in my head careening from “sharing is always better” to “better left unsaid.”
As a child of the 60’s and 70’s I’ve internalized the mantra of “letting it all out,” with intimacy the overarching goal and the enemy hidden emotions that don’t reveal my “true self.” Certainly all of us have experienced times when frozen feelings have crippled our relationships when one or both lost the courage to bring up something important.
But “getting it all out” has its challenges too. Much too often the repercussions of my harsh words lasted longer than the emotions of the moment. And yes, there is such a thing as “oversharing.” I read recently where the famous Russian writer Leo Tolstoy decided to tell his teenage fiancee all the details of his sexual past to somehow draw closer only to have it backfire when the seeds of mistrust embittered the relationship for decades.
Finding the balance between sharing and not sharing is obviously challenging. What does seem to be true is the existence of a tipping point, a point where not talking about something harms the relationship. I think people intuitively know when that point is, but sometimes suppress this knowledge because of the challenges involved.
Some of those challenges include sorting through our motivations in communicating. Is it anger, which could lead to sharing too much, too soon or too little, too late depending on the preferred punishment of attacking or withdrawing? Is it laziness, where we sense something needs to be said or done but don’t because of habit? Is it fear, where the harsh responses of our partner wear us down into avoiding any conflict?
On the opposite side of defending, attacking, or avoiding is love, where the commitment to the relationship and the beloved trumps other concerns. An issue is brought up when either party senses a breach and wants to rectify it. The tipping point is known and respected--both also have the self-control to know when slights can be tolerated. And when the relationship does get off track, this is recognized and faced and the possibility of counseling is considered.
All of us weave our way in and out of love in our relationships but can keep it as an ideal. Staying present with each other can be tough but essential, and knowing when and how to bring up what needs to be brought up is a creative challenge healthy relationships must embrace.
After Jen and Jack Wolkon posted a complaint on the diner’s Facebook page, a “social media firestorm” erupted with more than two-and-a-half million people commenting on the couple’s post. As can be imagined, sides were drawn with many decrying the sense of modern entitlement showed by the negligent parents and others horrified by the insensitivity of the owner.
As I got past the titillation of another media-fueled imbroglio, I started thinking about Darla and the decision she made about confronting the parents. Why did she wait 40 minutes and why did she finally decide to act? For that matter, what is behind any of our decisions to bring up a sensitive matter or leave it alone?
Relationships are complex but certainly have to do with communication and decisions about when, where and how to communicate. Some of these decisions are straightforward; others, especially those involving challenging emotions--aren’t. It’s relatively easy to tell your spouse they have a smudge on their collar--much harder to bring up a simmering slight from last week.
Is there a perfect time to bring up imperfect stuff? Hardly. Part of it is the variables involved: personalities, timing, what is discussed etc. And part of it for me is imperfectly navigating through the voices in my head careening from “sharing is always better” to “better left unsaid.”
As a child of the 60’s and 70’s I’ve internalized the mantra of “letting it all out,” with intimacy the overarching goal and the enemy hidden emotions that don’t reveal my “true self.” Certainly all of us have experienced times when frozen feelings have crippled our relationships when one or both lost the courage to bring up something important.
But “getting it all out” has its challenges too. Much too often the repercussions of my harsh words lasted longer than the emotions of the moment. And yes, there is such a thing as “oversharing.” I read recently where the famous Russian writer Leo Tolstoy decided to tell his teenage fiancee all the details of his sexual past to somehow draw closer only to have it backfire when the seeds of mistrust embittered the relationship for decades.
Finding the balance between sharing and not sharing is obviously challenging. What does seem to be true is the existence of a tipping point, a point where not talking about something harms the relationship. I think people intuitively know when that point is, but sometimes suppress this knowledge because of the challenges involved.
Some of those challenges include sorting through our motivations in communicating. Is it anger, which could lead to sharing too much, too soon or too little, too late depending on the preferred punishment of attacking or withdrawing? Is it laziness, where we sense something needs to be said or done but don’t because of habit? Is it fear, where the harsh responses of our partner wear us down into avoiding any conflict?
On the opposite side of defending, attacking, or avoiding is love, where the commitment to the relationship and the beloved trumps other concerns. An issue is brought up when either party senses a breach and wants to rectify it. The tipping point is known and respected--both also have the self-control to know when slights can be tolerated. And when the relationship does get off track, this is recognized and faced and the possibility of counseling is considered.
All of us weave our way in and out of love in our relationships but can keep it as an ideal. Staying present with each other can be tough but essential, and knowing when and how to bring up what needs to be brought up is a creative challenge healthy relationships must embrace.
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